Curator’s Comment: In honor of 4/20.
Fine for late-night NBC, but maybe a wee NSFW
The ancestry of Donald Trump stretches back to the Ancient World. Listen, as several of Trump’s forebears recount some of the most famous moments in history.
So this is, maybe, a week after the Ides of March. I’m in Rome. I got a new coliseum there. Great coliseum. I build a lot them. Make a lot of money. Very successful.
So I’m in Rome. And Brutus and his cabal ask me to say a few words about Caesar. Really, begging me to say something about him. And Brutus is an honorable guy. So, I’m like, “Sure. Whatever.”
But then right before my speech, Brutus comes up to me — he’s real nervous, Brutus — and he says, “Whatever you do in your speech, don’t blame me for Caesar’s death.”
I think, “That’s odd.” But, whatever. Brutus is an honorable guy.
So I deliver this speech. Great speech. Tremendous speech. It’s about Caesar. He’s dead. Lot of emotions. Really brings down the house. I get rave reviews for the speech. Rave reviews. Everybody loves it.
But then, weeks later, the media is saying I said these things that I never said. Awful things.
I’ll give you an example: The New Rome Times, which is losing money left and right. Unreadable. Total trash. Hates the empire. But the New Rome Times says that I came to praise Caesar, which is totally false.
What I said was — and this is a direct quote — “I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.” Not to praise him. How they get the exact opposite out of that, I don’t know. But that’s the media for you.
I love Jesus, I do. But the guy can be long-winded. “Blessed are these people, Blessed are those people.” Basically, everybody’s blessed, but he’s gotta read through the whole Roman census before you find that out.
Like this one night, Jesus and his crew are one table away from me. And I’m hearing him go on and on about something. Won’t stop talking about it.
I can’t take it anymore. So I lean over. I say, “Jesus, you make a nice speech and all. Kind of belabor the point; Peter’s falling asleep over here. So let me cut to the chase: Someone’s gonna betray you tonight, and it’s Judas.”
Jesus gives me this look, like I’m the one who’s betrayed him.
I say, “C’mon, Jesus, it’s the worst kept secret in Jerusalem. Guy owes everybody in town money. Suddenly, he’s flashing 30 pieces of silver.” I love Jesus, but he’s probably still trying to figure out who killed Abel.
Problem is, Jesus never had a sense for business. Never did. Here’s a guy who can turn water into wine — and I know wine. Bought a vineyard, doing terrible business, I buy it, now it’s making a profit. Yuge, yuge profit. But here’s a guy who can turn water into wine; still pays for it when he goes out.
I’m like, “Jesus, just order water!” Or at least make Judas pay.
I mean, seriously, who finds a mole in his operation, invites the guy out to dinner?
Jesus, that’s who.
So, I tell the Knights Templar, “Richard the Lionheart? Please. Should be called Richard the Lazy Bastard. Seriously. He had one thing to do. One thing. Capture Jerusalem. What’s he do? Makes peace with Saladin.”
I ask Saladin about that, too. Sal’s a friend. I say, “Sal, what the hell happened?” He says, “Your guy’s no good. Can’t negotiate. Awful negotiator.”
Never would have happened if I led the Third Crusade. I know negotiators. If they ever invent the printing press, I plan on writing a book on it.
Hell, I know this one guy — awful guy, terrible human being — but he knows how to negotiate. Genghis Khan. Horrible human being. Great negotiator. I bring him in; Jerusalem is taken in two days. Tops.
I would have people come up to me all the time and say, “Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump, you should lead our troops. You should have lead.” And I should have, because I would have ended the war, Day One.
I would have gone up to King George III, whom I know. I would have said, “Georgie, we’re leaving.”
He’d cry, he’d beg, he’d try to convince us to stay. I’d say, “No, no, no. Here’s the way it works: We leave, you get nothing, that’s the deal” And then I’d turn to the French, and I’d say, “And you … Thanks for the help. Now give us a statue. A woman. But not an ugly one.”
Papers would be signed the next morning.
Students across America will soon be taught the far left’s take on American History should proposals agreed on during high-level closed door meetings ever see the light of day.
A secret panel has convened to re-write history books in accordance with Common Core principles under the direction of civil rights leaders and advocacy groups. Unconfirmed, but reported attendees of the conference include President Obama, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, Morris Dees of the Southern Poverty Law Center, GLAAD Executive Director Sarah Kate Ellis, and members of the “Black Lives Matter” group.
Dr. Cornel West was invited to the conference, but a prior commitment made him unavailable.
The meeting is being hosted by the Howard Zinn Education Project, which coordinates two non-profit organizations advocating what they claim to be “more accurate, complex, and engaging understanding of American History.” In other words, prepare for a socialist indoctrination of your children underwritten by one of the furthest left authors in American History…a naked socialist, if you will.
Topics of special urgency among the attendees include the Constitutional Convention, Causes of the Civil War, the 1960’s radical anti-war and civil rights movements, and a thorough rethinking of the Reagan Administration. The gathering wishes to expunge God from society and classify the Constitution as a secular document. The Civil War would be looked at as a class struggle, as will other noble wars fought during our nation’s growing period and development as a world leader. Special praise to the radical 60’s peace and civil rights movements and equal disdain for the Reagan Revolution are also proposed.
This is the kind of garbage that your children will be learning should this revisionist history be forced down their throats.
Howard Zinn, author of the popular screed, “The People’s History of the United States,” advocates abject Socialism under the guise of how America has oppressed working people, women, and minorities through a discriminatory capitalist system that rewards the rich and “continues to steal from everyone else.”
Since the beginning of the twentieth century anyway.
From Fresh Off the Boat, “Gotta Be Me” (S2 E22)
To those museum professionals who think they have discovered a new way to engage visitors, that is to entertain them, we offer the following.
And to those professionals who say education is the sole and perpetual purpose of museums, until those others dumbed it down, we offer the following.
The following is Jonathan Swift’s “A Digression in the Modern Kind” from his 1710 work A Tale of the Tub. It seems your arguments and the thought that your thought is new are nothing new.
We whom the world is pleased to honour with the title of modern authors, should never have been able to compass our great design of an everlasting remembrance and never-dying fame if our endeavours had not been so highly serviceable to the general good of mankind. This, O universe! is the adventurous attempt of me, thy secretary;
“Quemvis perferre laborem Suadet, et inducit noctes vigilare serenas.”
To this end I have some time since, with a world of pains and art, dissected the carcass of human nature, and read many useful lectures upon the several parts, both containing and contained, till at last it smelt so strong I could preserve it no longer. Upon which I have been at a great expense to fit up all the bones with exact contexture and in due symmetry, so that I am ready to show a very complete anatomy thereof to all curious gentlemen and others. But not to digress further in the midst of a digression, as I have known some authors enclose digressions in one another like a nest of boxes, I do affirm that, having carefully cut up human nature, I have found a very strange, new, and important discovery: that the public good of mankind is performed by two ways–instruction and diversion. And I have further proved my said several readings (which, perhaps, the world may one day see, if I can prevail on any friend to steal a copy, or on certain gentlemen of my admirers to be very importunate) that, as mankind is now disposed, he receives much greater advantage by being diverted than instructed, his epidemical diseases being fastidiosity, amorphy, and oscitation; whereas, in the present universal empire of wit and learning, there seems but little matter left for instruction. However, in compliance with a lesson of great age and authority, I have attempted carrying the point in all its heights, and accordingly throughout this divine treatise have skilfully kneaded up both together with a layer of utile and a layer of dulce.