The New, More Patriotic AP History Test

Actually By Pat O’Brien

From Funny Or Die

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An Oklahoma legislative committee overwhelmingly approved a bill that would cut funding for Advanced Placement U.S. History courses, claiming that the current test focuses too much on the negative parts of American history and promotes civil disobedience. Here is the updated, more patriotic test that conservatives are pushing for.


Women only began voting in the year 1920 because:
a.) they just didn’t want to before then, it was weird
b.) a woman’s tiny hands couldn’t lift the heavy paper ballots of the time
c.) they were all too busy sewing flags
d.) all of the above

Police sprayed African Americans with firehoses because:
a.) they had a bee on them
b.) it was the best way to stay cool in the Alabama heat
c.) they were all wearing suspicious, dark-colored hoodies
d.) that never happened (circle this answer and get a free Personal Pan Pizza from Pizza Hut!)

During World War II, thousands of Japanese Americans were rounded up and sent to internment camps because:
a.) they won a contest
b.) of a clerical error by a White House intern
c.) they were all terrorists, even the babies
d.) oh, they were Japanese? Sorry, I don’t see race.

The Founding Fathers were great because of their:
a.) muscular, syphilis-free physiques
b.) commitment to freedom for all
c.) ability to multitask (preaching freedom while simultaneously owning slaves)
d.) sick ponytails

Which word or phrase best describes the United States’ treatment of Native Americans during the age of colonization?:
a.) fun
b.) flirty
c.) super chill
d.) un-genocidal

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This drawing by Thomas Nast has become an enduring symbol of America’s:
a.) jealous cartoonists
b.) tolerance of those with non-traditional heads
c.) thriving plus-size pants industry
d.) sick shading skills

It was okay to use civil disobedience tactics during the Boston Tea Party because:
a.) it was white people doing it
b.) just shut up, alright?
c.) hey, look over there! >>>>>>>>>>
d.) seriously, there’s this really cute dog doing something crazy! you’re missing it!!! >>>>>>>>>>>

The bald eagle fucking kicks ass, right?:
a.) strongly agree
b.) patriotically agree
c.) fuck yeah it does!
d.) I once saw one eating the guts out of a smaller bird right in front of its babies, it was awesome.

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About T.H. Gray

T.H. Gray is the self-appointed court jester and Dr. Demento for the history museum field. A lifelong museum professional and reenactor, he is a graduate of the prestigious Peale-Barnum Public History Museum Studies Program. Until 2011, when the AHS hired him away, he was on staff at the Benjamin Dover Memorial Museum & Swimming Pool ("Our History is All Wet!"). He remembers when museums were still about history, science, and art. BTW, all of these posts say they are by T.H. Gray because he can't turn off the byline. Credit, when due, is given. View all posts by T.H. Gray

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