Actually By David Harnden-Warwick
Name: John the Brave
Born: May 20, 1243 Background: Soldier. Volunteered for astronaut corps from infantry. Missions: TTS-1, June 12, 1261. Highlights: First suborbital flight test of revolutionary trebuchet transportation
Died: June 18, 1261.
system, the Merlin 5. Made it over the hedge. Died: June 12, 1261.
– –Name: William the Undismayed Born: December 13, 1242 Background: Soldier. Drafted for astronaut corps from infantry. Missions: TTS-2, June 13, 1261. Highlights: Second suborbital test. Made it over the hedge twice after bouncing off
a tent. Died: June 13, 1261.Set records for shortest distance traveled (20 yards) and sharpest angle of descent
– –Name: Henry the Overhasty Born: August 11, 1238 Background: Unemployed. Answered classified ad in tapestry. Missions: TTS-3, June 14, 1261. Highlights: First civilian astronaut. Tripped safety harness release during countdown.
(90 degrees). Did not clear the hedge. Died: June 14, 1261.
– –Name: Yves the Coerced Born: 1240(?) Background: Prisoner of war. Recruited for astronaut corps on pain of death. Missions: TTS-4, June 15, 1261. Highlights: Made it over the hedge. Set still-standing distance record (461 yards).
Unexpectedly survived after landing on a herd of carnivorous swine. Eaten: June 15, 1261.
– –Name: Gilbert the Insane Born: June 5, 1185 Background: Mad hermit. Coaxed from cave into astronaut corps under false
pretense of meeting a woman. Missions: TTS-5, June 16 1261. Highlights: Married trebuchet in pre-flight ceremony. Did not clear the hedge. Died: June 16, 1261. Marriage Annulled: June 16, 1261. – – Name: Nicholas the Terrorized Born: April 13, 1237 Background: Bystander. Kidnapped from market. Missions: TTS-6, June 17, 1261. Highlights: Shared tied-off crew sack with Bedlam X, the program’s inauguralscientific payload. Experiment designed to determine whether sudden acceleration is handled better by weasels with rabies or weasels with plague.
Made it over the hedge, unfortunately. Died: June 17, 1261.Established new record for pre-flight pleading (15 min 49 sec). Bits made it over the hedge.
– –Name: Robert the Negligent Born: January 18, 1229 Background: Trebuchet program manager. Found hiding in a barn by angry relatives. Missions: TTS-7, June 18, 1261. Highlights: Trebuchet was set alight for the first and only night launch of the program.
Died: June 18, 1261.