Excerpted from Cracked.com’s 6 Supposedly Fun Activities Nobody Actually Enjoys:
#2. Visiting National Monuments
Family vacation. Who doesn’t look forward to that every year? The kids are out of school, the parents are off work and everyone is hopping into the car and going to do something rad. It’s important to choose your family vacation destinations wisely. If you have children, go to an amusement park. If you have no children, sit on as many patios as you can while power drinking. But under no circumstances, ever, should you blow a family vacation on visiting a national monument.
I certainly understand the allure of driving hundreds or even thousands of miles to see the Grand Canyon in person. Actually, I’m just joking, I don’t get the appeal at all. I’ve never seen it, but I expect it looks a lot like this …
… except bigger, hotter and dirtier. Those adjectives are all fine and well if you’re talking about a porn sequel, but when you’re referring to something you can just as easily look at in pictures, it’s far less titillating.
Another good example of this is Mount Rushmore. You probably know it from pictures, where it looks like this …
But as someone who has seen it, I can vouch for the fact that, in person, it looks a lot more like this …
Right, those are the exact same picture, because that’s exactly what Mount Rushmore looks like in person. What is it that you think you’re going to do when your Wally World-like trek to see four presidents’ faces carved into the side of a huge rock comes to fruition? It’s not like you can climb up there and take a picture of you pretending to put your dick in Lincoln’s nose or anything. You’re just going to stand there, take a few pictures that will look like the epitome of shittiness when compared to stuff you could just download from the Internet and then spend the rest of your vacation bored to tears because western South Dakota is a desolate hellhole with nothing even sort of fun to do. And it’s going to be the exact same story at any of the other remote tourist destinations people flock to every year.
To its credit, though, Mount Rushmore does have fireworks every Fourth of July. Ha! Just joking. They stopped doing that years ago. But it doesn’t matter, because the lamest of all lame outdoor activities is .
Excerpted from Cracked.com’s 5 Supposedly Fun Activities Nobody Enjoys:
#5. Visiting Museums
“Hey, you know what would be fun, a trip to the museum!” The preceding sentence is something no person has ever said with any semblance of honesty in their voice. Don’t get me wrong, I know people claim to love museums. I’m sure tons of them will take to the comments section and call me an unsophisticated philistine for not feeling the same way. But that doesn’t mean they’re correct.
Deny it all you want, but the truth is that arriving at a museum is right on par with arriving at one of those national monuments that I made fun of last time around. Once you get there, literally the only thing you can do is look at a bunch of shit that you could just as easily see in a book or on the Internet. But at least in a book or on the Internet you could just skip over all the boring shit without feeling guilty about it. That’s not the case at a museum. Instead, you have to stop every 50 feet or so and pretend you give a damn about what’s written on the placard below whatever lifeless artifact you’re looking at. Otherwise, you look like some maniac who pays $30 just to power walk your way through the Ice Age exhibit.
A stock image search assures me that this picture is what the Ice Age looked like.
When you get right down to it, museums are basically zoos for inanimate objects. Paying an admission fee to enter a place where everything is locked away so you can’t touch it is a fine idea if the stuff you’re looking at is flinging feces at unsuspecting spectators or swinging around on ropes and whatnot. That’s just a barrel of fun. But not once in recorded history has a painting ever leaped from its enclosure and mauled the teen who had been mocking it. Real live angry tigers know how to entertain a crowd, and they don’t need a ridiculous Glamour Shots for Men backdrop behind them to do it. That’s more than can be said for the stuffed animals in the above photo.
“But if I could pick a backdrop, this would be it.”
Let’s be honest, nobody loves going to museums. What people do love, though, is anything that makes them seem a little bit more cultured and educated than the rest of us lunkheads who just waste away our free time ogling boobs and betting on cockfights. People don’t go to museums because they get off on looking at a collection of fossils — they do it because it gives them an excuse to shake their head in pity while muttering “You just don’t get it” under their breath. Anyone who claims otherwise is either the most easily stimulated tourist of all time or a straight-up liar. Sorry, museum fans, there is simply no middle ground to be had there.