TO: Senator M. Muffley
FROM: Members of the II Regiment of Lightfoot, Contra’s Company
RE: Recent Budget Vote
We wanted to take this opportunity to write you again. As usual we are very unhappy with the budget vote. However, this time it is the cuts and not the socialist welfare programs that have yet again brought us to the brink of “watering the tree of Liberty with the blood of tyrants.” How could you possible vote to cut the funding for our favorite historical site? Don’t you know how important they are to us? They let us host an annual event where we practically take over the place. The staff loves when we come. They even let us sleep in the historic buildings.
How dimwitted could you possible be to unfund this place. Apparently you have never been to one of our encampments or you would know that the actions that took place near the site were a turning point in our glorious nation’s history. Clearly you are ignorant of the history we care so deeply about and safely relive whenever possible. This is an insult to those of us who have long supported the site by spending thousands of dollars on our own clothing and guns (which are always legally registered, thank you), encamp there one weekend a year, and “like” the site on Facebook. True, we also spend hundreds of dollars a year on gunpowder and liquor, but those add to the event’s authenticity. Because of our dedication to personal authenticity and a good time we have no money to donate to the site, but, and we think you will agree, our presence alone is a sufficient donation.
There are several reasons we feel you should exempt the site from these budget cuts:
1. From what the staff has told us, our event is a quarter of their budget (we think on the revenue side, but it’s never been clear)
2. We reach several hundred (although to us it looks like several thousand) visitors each year
3. Those visitors contribute an unknown but assuredly considerable amount to local gas stations and McDonald’s
4.No other site will let us host a battle
5. Since they never said anything against it, we feel the Founders would have wanted you to help preserve their work by funding the museum with tax revenues
6. The money could easily come from the overfunded welfare programs you voted to support (which are only hurting real Americans!)
7. Unlike some government programs we just mentioned, this is only a budgetary drop in the bucket
If you don’t reinstate the site’s annual budget line, we’ll have no choice but to lobby for the site to become a National Park. True we won’t be able to battle on site, but at least we might be able to camp there and hold the battle somewhere down the road – that’ll show YOU.
As we made abundantly clear in our previous thirteen letters, we staunchly support fiscal responsibility, so long as it does not affect our favorite playground.
Thank you and may God Bless the United States of America!
PS Please ignore any letter from other reenactment groups asking for exemptions for their favored sites. They are farbs and their sites are not as important as ours.