Actually From The Onion
Actually By Pat O’Brien
An Oklahoma legislative committee overwhelmingly approved a bill that would cut funding for Advanced Placement U.S. History courses, claiming that the current test focuses too much on the negative parts of American history and promotes civil disobedience. Here is the updated, more patriotic test that conservatives are pushing for.
Women only began voting in the year 1920 because:
a.) they just didn’t want to before then, it was weird
b.) a woman’s tiny hands couldn’t lift the heavy paper ballots of the time
c.) they were all too busy sewing flags
d.) all of the above
Police sprayed African Americans with firehoses because:
a.) they had a bee on them
b.) it was the best way to stay cool in the Alabama heat
c.) they were all wearing suspicious, dark-colored hoodies
d.) that never happened (circle this answer and get a free Personal Pan Pizza from Pizza Hut!)
During World War II, thousands of Japanese Americans were rounded up and sent to internment camps because:
a.) they won a contest
b.) of a clerical error by a White House intern
c.) they were all terrorists, even the babies
d.) oh, they were Japanese? Sorry, I don’t see race.
The Founding Fathers were great because of their:
a.) muscular, syphilis-free physiques
b.) commitment to freedom for all
c.) ability to multitask (preaching freedom while simultaneously owning slaves)
d.) sick ponytails
Which word or phrase best describes the United States’ treatment of Native Americans during the age of colonization?:
c.) super chill
This drawing by Thomas Nast has become an enduring symbol of America’s:
a.) jealous cartoonists
b.) tolerance of those with non-traditional heads
c.) thriving plus-size pants industry
d.) sick shading skills
It was okay to use civil disobedience tactics during the Boston Tea Party because:
a.) it was white people doing it
b.) just shut up, alright?
c.) hey, look over there! >>>>>>>>>>
d.) seriously, there’s this really cute dog doing something crazy! you’re missing it!!! >>>>>>>>>>>
The bald eagle fucking kicks ass, right?:
a.) strongly agree
b.) patriotically agree
c.) fuck yeah it does!
d.) I once saw one eating the guts out of a smaller bird right in front of its babies, it was awesome.
This past Tuesday, April 15th, was the 150th anniversary of Lincoln’s assassination. Recent research has changed our understanding of this event. The following is a reenactment of the true events of that fateful day.
Actually By David McCord
From Odds Without Ends, 1954.
“Come, my love, and let us stoppë
In our ancient jade jaloppë
At ye oldë moldë shoppë:
Fine Antiques – to sell or swappë.
Out you hoppë, in we poppë.”
“Lawsy, what a table toppë!”
“Lazy Susan? That’s a coppë.”
“Grant’s old razor!” “Where’s the stroppë?”
“Snuffbox . . . pewter . . . London foppë . . .”
Flip glass?” “Careful, now. Don’t droppë!”
“See that curious, curious moppë!”
“Buggy whips! – the old clip-cloppë
Days!” “A pruning knife . . . to loppë?”
“Burbank owned it.” “Will you ploppë
Down five bucks for these sweet sloppë
Jars?” “That’s much too much – de troppë!”
He wanders a bit from his thesis, but he comes back around.